I don't write about my family much, mostly to protect them and not make them mad at me for what I might say. :) I know somewhere deep inside we all love each other but the way that our family shows that love is really puzzling to me. The last 24 hours seem to just be the tip of what this show is going to show the public.
I am the big sister but I have not lived or grown up with 7 of my siblings. I don't know those 7 siblings as well as I know my biological brother...but I grew up with him, lived through a traumatic event in our lives with the loss of our biological sister which gave us a bond that was very tight. We relied on each other for a lot while she was sick and we both grew up quite a bit very fast.
The relationships with the adopted kids have been tough to establish. We have had our share of learning experiences that are ones most families would throw in the towel the first time it happened. As of last night the show of our family seems to be stuck on repeat...I am now watching the show for the 5th time.
Here is how it plays out:
For the teenage boys...boys decide that they no longer want to follow the rules in the house and so they decide to leave the house. Some decide that smoking is the cool thing to do, others have tried drugs, lived with drug dealers, selling drugs at school, partying, a few have thought that stripping is their calling (yes, I think they may have watched Magic Mike and dreamed that they were the stars on the screen), some worked as bouncers at a strip club, school is not important and some didn't finish high school and others have decided that a full ride to college is just not important either, homelessness was also the life of one of my brothers.
For the teenage girls...girl meets guy, girl moves out with guy but doesn't really communicate that in any way to the parents of the plan or any indication that this was going to happen. The move happens pretty fast (faster than you can even say "bye") and the words "goodbye" really aren't said. Hurt feelings by all family members are in the air after the quick move and some communication is continued with the family.
All of these situations left a huge hole in my family. None of these "moving out" situations have transitioned well...not a single one. Most of them involve either the cops on several occasions probation officers or just a lot of hurt feelings and words that were spoken that shouldn't have been said. The words spoken yesterday were just another page in the script of this story.
I was on the phone with my sister last night as she was in the process of trying to decide if she was going to go move in with her boyfriend that she has known for 5 weeks. I met him briefly at Thanksgiving and I have absolute zero respect for this person who doesn't even deserve the title of "man". Those are my nice words for him. Anything else that I say about him I will have the decency to say to his face, which is what he should be doing to my family rather than spouting things on Facebook, deleting comments I write and the very rude things he has said about our family over the phone and through text. That is not what a man does. When I talked with my sister I am guessing that her mind was either already made up or made up for her. She is in a very controlling relationship, she is not making the best choices for herself and when I asked her why this boy wanted her to move out she said, "he said I need to experience the real world." I asked her what the "real world" meant to him and what his definition of that was. She said that he thinks her life should be harder and that she has things too easy. Those were her words to me on the phone...I did not say that but I did have quite the response for her. FYI...The place she is living in as of last night is with the boyfriend and his brother. The brother was so drunk last weekend that my sister had to help the boyfriend move out temporarily because he was being hit by his drunk brother. I guess the word "harder" is one word to describe her new living situation. Me...I personally prefer the words "abusive", "controlling", "manipulative" and "dysfunctional".
I wanted to scream at her, I wanted to just cry on the phone (she already was and I know my mom was so why not join them) but all I could tell her was this at the end of our conversation, "what is your gut telling you to do?" Her response, of course, was the standard teenager response. "I don't know." I made her answer the question though and I don't think she gave me the answer that I just wanted to hear, I think that she really gave me the answer that she was feeling, "that I shouldn't go."
I didn't tell her that the choices she was making was right or wrong. In my heart I think that this is the worst decision that she has ever made in her young 19 year old life....but I couldn't tell her that. It wouldn't have mattered or done anything at that point.
I did ask her one thing though, which is one thing that the other 4 kids have not had the respect to do for me...call me if they decide to move out of the house. I asked her if she would call me before she made the choice. I was on the phone with her until about 11:00 pm and at that point she said she didn't know what she was going to do. She left the house at 11:30pm and did not call me. That was all I asked her to do...just call me.
Today is a feeling of huge defeat. I'm tired of this stupid story playing out over and over again. I am tired of the disrespect for our family on all parts. Do these kids even realize where they would be now if a family did not adopt them? Do they even know how hard this is on my own kids and that when my kids ask, "Where's ______?" I usually don't have an answer for them because I have no idea? I seriously have not had communication or seen some of my siblings for years after their big move out day. I've been told to be careful with the adoption card because this isn't a normal situation for many families. You know what...I don't care. These kids came into our family one way and if it wasn't the same as how I came into the family it doesn't matter. Family means family. If I need a kidney they may not be able to help me out but if I need to talk or tell them how I feel we should be able to communicate. We are all a family and yet we don't treat each other like a family.
The siblings are working hard to get my sister to snap out of this relationship coma that she is in which seems to be controlling her. I really wish I knew how this finale ended though...at the moment it is a real cliffhanger and is one that seems to consume my thoughts, prayers and every ounce of energy.
What is my gut feeling? I need to go take her out of that situation but I think it is already too late. This is a lesson that she is going to have to learn the hard way and most likely this show will end up on Teen Mom or will be some episode that CSI will be airing next spring.
That is the reality of this real life situation.
I did call my sister who is home sick today to see how she is doing with all of this. I am sure that the house was not a calm and quiet place for a kid last night. Other than being sick she said she was ok. Her one comment that she shared with me about our now absent sister is that she didn't even stop to tell her goodbye. She was really hurt and I could hear it in her voice. My sister didn't even tell the person she has been sharing a room with for 11 years, her own biological sister, a simple "goodbye". I told her that I loved her and she could always call me if she ever wanted to talk about anything (she is about 2 years older than my daughter, Sidney).